Will It Ever Get Easier?

As each moment in life passes by, I find myself wondering if it will ever get easier? I know that many people say it will only take time to heal and others find themselves saying “Life must go on." I always wonder what it must mean to “Move On?” I don’t ever see myself really “Moving On.” To move on means that you must forget what you had and to move forward without those memories that make each moment in life worth it. How can I ever find myself doing that? At this very moment moving on would mean that each day would go on the same as it did, which we all know does not. I do know that time heals all, but how much time? I know it has only been 2 months and I know that is not enough time to move forward with out feeling the same pain as I do now, but really enough is enough. I find myself saying “I’m tired of crying,” and the truth is, I am. I hate that with every song on the radio my reaction is tears. I hate that there is no longer a Priesthood holder in our home to comfort and protect us. I hate that we will never feel the same blessings that he had brought into our home. The empty chair at the dinner table, the empty spot on the couch next to my Mom, the car missing in the driveway, and a spirit that is no longer here are all the things which make me not want to “Move On.” So for those who say “Life still goes on” has something coming!
It is strange that a picture I walk by everyday on the way to my bedroom has a different effect on me. I can walk by and smile for the good times we had or I can stop, look, and cry for the memories I will no longer have. That one picture can say so many words without really saying a thing.

A smile from Abbey has so many effects as well. I feel pain because Abbey will never know how wonderful her Papa was, I feel guilty because she does not have the memories as I do, and I feel blessed that they had six months together! I know that it has become my obligation to help her know truly how wonderful her Papa was, how much he loved her, and that each action he made was for another person’s gain. I also know that it is up to me to make sure she understands the power of influence he had on all of our lives and how grateful we were to have him at all! I just hate that I have to be the one to tell her and that he can not be the one to show her.
I know that with each passing milestone I will feel pain and sorrow that he could not be here to watch and see the proud accomplishments. Abbey’s first birthday will only be tears knowing he never made it, which only makes it worse. When each baby receives their name and a blessing I will walk out of Sacrament meeting with tears rolling down my cheek wondering who will ever be good enough to bless my next child. With each and every moment in life, I will wonder why he couldn’t have been there? I know that this is just the beginning of a very hard and rocky road that I must face head on, but I still wonder why it had to be him? As my Mom says, “He was just spiritually ready.” Well, in that case, let’s all make sure our children and family members are not spiritually ready anytime soon. I know I will never know the answer to the question “Why him” until I am with him once again and I know I will one day be alright knowing that he is with me in spirit. I just hope it is someday very soon!
I know that life will always throw you a curve ball and it just depends on how you swing the bat, but let me tell you, I have been swinging the bat for quite some time. I know that eventually it will get easier, but I just want to know when? I also know that people are looking out for my best interest and that people are praying for our family. I do know these things, but my bitterness is what shows through. I know I am loved and supported throughout all of this and that I do have friends I can lean on, and let me tell you I am truly grateful for it all!!! I do want to say that I love each and everyone of you who do care, who do try to understand, and who listen no matter what!